I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was about seven. They’re not something that just comes and goes occasionally. Unless I’m actively distracting myself, they’re always there in the background, pushing into my thoughts. The moment things go quiet, they come back. It feels constant, like something I can’t switch off.
I’ve hated myself for as long as I can remember. It’s not tied to one specific thing, it’s just always been there. It affects how I see everything about myself, especially how I look. I despise my appearance, and that just feeds into everything else.
Sometimes I try to cope in ways that I know aren’t healthy. I hit myself and I cut myself because, in the moment, it feels like the only way to deal with what’s going on in my head. It doesn’t fix anything long term, but it gives some kind of release when everything builds up.
One of the only things that actually helps, even a little, is music. It’s one of the few ways I can distract myself or feel something different. When I’m listening to music, it can quiet things down for a bit or at least make it more manageable. Without that kind of distraction, it’s a lot harder to get through things.
I don’t have motivation for anything. Even basic things feel like too much effort. That includes taking care of myself. I struggle with hygiene and barely shower, and my space gets messy because I don’t clean anything. It all builds up, and then it feels even more overwhelming to deal with.
School has been getting worse because of it. I can’t make myself pay attention, even when I know I need to. When there’s work in front of me, I just sit there and don’t do it. It’s like I’m stuck, and then I fall behind and fail, which just makes everything feel worse again. It turns into a cycle that I can’t seem to break.
I’ve also gotten to the point where I tried to stab myself, but I backed out. Even getting that close says a lot about where my head has been. It’s not something that feels far away or hypothetical, it feels real and close, even if I haven’t gone through with it.