There’s something about procrastination. It can make you dislike yourself more than you would otherwise. It makes me dislike myself more than I would otherwise. I do not like my chest as much as I would otherwise, but I cannot be bothered to shave it and make it feel the way I’d like. I do not like the hair because it actually makes me feel dysphoric and I dislike myself more for it. But still yet… I cannot be bothered.
I look at myself, and some days I like what I see. And then I see the hair and I weep. But I just feel like I cannot be bothered to fix it, turning it into a self fulfilling prophecy through raw complacency. The realization of this winds up making me dislike myself more and not wanting to do it at all. That circular argument within myself never wants to kick to the side and break the cycle, and that too compounds the self-dislike.
Some day soon, I have to hard kick that circle and turn it into a triangle or square because I am genuinely not appreciating myself as of late. Despite the local real life issues, I need to put this time aside for myself. It cannot go on, I want to go on camera again, I want to show my friends myself again, I want to smile when I look in a mirror again. I want to be present…