I’ve been fighting it for a long while, but my mood hasn’t been quite the same as it used to be. I’m afraid to see what is right in front of me, walking around the issue- trying not to pay any attention to it. I do not want to face reality for much of my days. I find myself tired for no real reason, uninspired, often forcing myself to do more. Never knowing what truly causes it. I think I’m depressed.
I don’t know how to word this tonight, but I’m making a lot of mistakes. From my hobbies to my day to day. You could chalk this up to autism, but I think it’s depression. I’m forgetting a lot, I’m not doing daily tasks I used to value, I’m not going out as I used to and doing things as I want to. My family is starting to notice too, this itself is a problem. I’m feeling dejected by myself.
Seldom few things feel like they’re my choice these days. As if I am going through the motions of what feels right, rather than what is right. I just… yes I am completing a lot of my hobbies, evolving them even, but that too puts me on edge. As if it’s all I know, rather than what I am. It feels as if I am just there. Just existing in motion.
How do I tell myself, how do I tell others that for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m the fleeting one? Depressed as if I am to be swept up by the lightest breeze, not sure where I’ll land and honestly not caring in the moment. Just that I survive. But that that isn’t good enough for me? Not anymore?